the power in owning our own toxicity

These days we are so quick to label others as toxic. Family members, ex boyfriends, ex friends…It almost makes me wonder, “where have we been the toxic ones in these relationships?”

The truth is, we have all been toxic at some point or another, and there is some serious empowerment to owning up to that. There are always two sides to the story. And it’s helpful to know that we are not all experiencing the same life, the same world, but are instead taking everything in through the tainted lenses of our own perceptions based off of our own combined experiences. We may not even know, at all, when we are mistreating others. But honestly, we all sometimes mistreat each other and there is nothing wrong with that. I think there is something wrong though of prolonged periods of time of not being aware of this, and not admitting to it and apologizing for it.

For a long time I never admitted when I was being the toxic one. It took years for me to actually see it. Sometimes I wasn’t a good girlfriend, a good daughter, a good friend. Sometimes I was selfish, sometimes I was wrong, sometimes I didn’t think about others and their feelings but was so busy trying to get a handle on my own.

Especially if we were raised in a poor or neglectful environment, we become unconsciously self-centered due to stress around survival. Others may not have been so concerned with us and our emotions growing up, so we became hyper focused on ourselves for protection purposes.

But it no longer has to be that way. Every time we mess up, if we admit it, drop our egos, and apologize we’d be surprised at the feedback we could receive. Often times when I get real with others and own up to doing something wrong, I don’t feel like a terrible person or get really down on myself, but instead I feel empowered. I feel humble, like a better person when I admit that I had wronged somebody. I feel open, real, and raw - with myself and those involved. And if that other person was angry, it’s as if my apology melted their anger and reared up ego away, and they say sorry too. It’s almost an instant invitation, I’ll drop my ego first, then you drop yours. Letting the guard down, putting down the weapons, it is truly liberating.

Owning up to your shit also helps you feel like you aren’t full of crap.

We can portray our lives and ourselves as amazing as we want to, we could even make loads of money and have many of the things that we want in our lives. But if we deep down don’t feel like a good person, or are still guilty over this, that, and the other that we never owned up to, we will feel fake. As if we don’t deserve the good things in life. I think it’s called “imposter syndrome” or something like that, but don’t quote me on it.

Admitting when we are wrong or mistreating others makes us stronger, and more real.

I used to think that being a life coach I would have to come off as happy 90% of the time, or hell, even perfect, professional, and super put together 90% of the time. That is no more. Being more real, being authentic is powerful, even when it’s scary at first. Having depth, showing emotion, and admitting fault is such an admirable thing that we can do, whether we are public figures or not. It makes us more human, which is what we are supposed to be right now.

Nobody is ever not wrong. Nobody is ever too good to say sorry. Our egos want to be right all of the time, and that can feel powerful and strength-inducing. But like a house built of playing cards, that tower can crumble and let me tell you, it does not feel good. True strength comes from embracing all parts of ourselves. The good, the bad, the loving, the selfish, the shadow side, the altruistic side, the good deeds and the mistakes, even the huge screw-ups. If we show all sides then we aren’t hiding anything. If we don’t feel that we are hiding anything then we don’t feel like frauds. We are free and open to the world in all ways, making us feel and be authentic and true to ourselves. True to others. People will trust us more when we are willing to swallow our pride, and this habit will naturally spread to others you are close to.

Embracing vulnerability also includes embracing our mistakes.

Being vulnerable is scary, yes, but it is also very freeing and heart-opening. When we admit we screwed up, it is a very vulnerable state. We can’t expect to get the reaction we are hoping for, but instead we have to open our hearts in a brave show of emotion, and if we are not met with instant forgiveness or replicated apologies, we have to continue to keep our hearts open. It may hurt, it may take some time, but softness, realness, and love will always dissolve away hatred and anger. Sometimes over time though, sometimes over lots of time. But time none the less!

Don’t wait, start today.

I hope you loved this article.